Female Coworker Turned Me Down on 1st Date Now Asked Again Said Yes

Today'southward question comes from an bearding reader:

"I'k a normal Monday through Fri nine-5er who doesn't have the nigh corporeality of time to date during the week. I've been filling my weekend calendar with flakey, one-half-interested girls (and let the vicious wheel repeat). What are ways to break that funk and observe meaningful connections?"

Essentially what you're asking are for some good dating strategies if you're decorated.

Simply earlier I answer that, there are a few parts to your question that I want to address.

WHY DO WOMEN KEEP FLAKING ON ME?

First, if you lot're constantly planning dates with women that flake, information technology'due south a sign that something is off with you, the women you're asking out on dates, or both.

Here is the edgeless truth: Decorated people volition make the time if they're genuinely interested.

I alive in NYC, ane of the biggest dating markets with some of the busiest people.

I've known women who straight up become to piece of work in their total blown engagement outfits, full confront of makeup, and so they can caput straight to dinner subsequently a brutally long day.

To butcher-quote the dandy Jeff Goldblum, "Girls that are actually interested will, uh, uh, find a way."

So permit'due south figure this out.

There are a few reasons a woman would flake on a date:

Reason one: She's genuinely busy or something came up (Least likely)

Life happens, and sometimes things will come upwards last infinitesimal, and she'll take to abolish.

Reason 2: She sucks (Somewhat likely)

Sometimes people just suck and abolish. Most probable reason is that she wasn't really into you, simply said yeah to a date cause she had nothing else going on.

Reason iii: She was being polite when she said aye (Probable)

Same reason equally higher up, except she wasn't doing information technology to be mean. She was giving you a soft rejection past saying yep in the moment and cancelling later.

How can you tell if something genuinely came upwards, or she sucks?

An easy way to tell if she's genuine: she offers to reschedule, with specifics plans.

E.g. "Something came upwardly tonight, can we reschedule and grab a drink next Sat, same time and place?"

What if she doesn't offer to reschedule and says something similar "Let me check my calendar and get back to you lot."?

Take it as a "Nope, she's non that into you." Be polite and respond, "Certain, just let me know" Then permit it exist unless she contacts you again.

(And before y'all ask if you should reach back out if you don't hear from her in a few days/weeks, you could. Merely in my experience, anyone that wants to hang out volition make plans right and so and there. Be honest, tell me y'all've never said: "Let me check my schedule" when y'all actually want to say "Let me stall while I think upwards an excuse to say no." I know I have.)

But expect, there's ane more!

Reason four: Your approach to start dates is off (HIGHLY likely)

Any of the above tin can be true, but it all starts with this: The fact that you're continually booking dates with women who flake tells me something's off with your process.

You see, the key to breaking this funk isn't nigh a specific a line to text her or pic you should have on your dating profile (those matter, but are secondary).

The central to a great outset date where a woman won't chip on y'all is all most rethinking what a starting time appointment is to begin with.

THE DUMB MISTAKES I USED TO MAKE WITH Get-go DATES

Protip: Never bring flowers on a first date

Permit'due south take a trip into the mind of Peter in his late teens and 20s.

To immature Peter:

Kickoff dates are like first impressions They're of import! And similar first impressions, you but get one shot. And so it's my only adventure to show her how astonishing I am!
Start dates should be IMPRESSIVE Since this was my i shot, I need to go large. Elaborate, meticulously planned, 24-hour interval-long diplomacy. I'll surprise her with hard to find tickets to her favorite band, and then we'll grab dinner at the new spot I read about in the NY Times. We'll finish the night at one of those annoyingly difficult to get into speakeasies, where craft cocktails are $25.

Solid gameplan correct?

How do you think I did?

Well, I went on a lot of first dates. Sure, I hooked up a few times. And sometimes got that 2d date.

But anything beyond that was a bosom. As I kept frustratingly going along with this strategy, a pattern started to emerge.

I was going on more and more than bad dates with women who I but didn't click with, and I was slowly going broke.

A 23-year old doing the occasional freelance job can only buy so many concert tickets, nice dinners, and $25 cocktails. (Of course I insisted on paying for everything.)

It wasn't until a night of complaining did my friend Saba point something out.

"Why are you spending so much energy trying to impress these girls? You should be trying to figure out if you like them." She said.

Information technology was subtle simply eye-opening.

I was and then distracted trying to convince these women that I'chiliad THE guy for them with over-the-top dates, I never stopped to consider if THEY were really the correct person for me.

It'south similar I was trying to find a new ice cream flavor I'd like.

But instead of only going down to the local ice cream shop and sampling a few different flavors every now then, I was overcomplicating things.

I was going out and ownership an expensive water ice cream maker, fancy ingredients, investing all day making it from scratch to meet if I'd like it.

I was wasting so much time, money, and energy! And yep I blame all those damn Rom-Com movies for making me believe I needed to pull out some grand gestures to win over a girl. (Shout out to Hitch. I yet beloved you.)

Regardless of the why, It had to change.

DESIGNING THE BETTER FIRST DATE

Redesigning the first date was simple: just practice the opposite of everything I was doing before.

Instead of focusing on trying to make her like me, I'd focus on seeing if I'd similar her First impressions are yet important. But if all I focused on was getting her to like me, then I'm not allowing her to contribute to our date. Information technology's one-sided. It'southward all about me. That'due south not what relationships (friendships, casual, or long-term) are nigh.

Instead of going all-in with elaborate dates, keep it casual I dearest all out, impressive dates, but save them for someone you have a real mutual connection with. Finish "wasting" them on girls y'all don't know. Call up of those fun artistic dates as a side of you lot only special girls get to come across. For now, keep dates casual, low-risk, and inexpensive.

Here'southward why these changes are corking for you lot going forward:

It minimizes thwarting It's easier to get over a bad coffee date that toll yous $5 and an hour, versus ane you pull out all the stops for, similar an amazing show and drinks at your favorite cocktail bar.
It's cheaper Self-explanatory.
Y'all'll get ameliorate at date chat Elaborate dates are kind of like special effects in big budget summer movies. A lot of the times they're used to distract from a shitty premise. Stripped downwards dates like coffee and a walk are like indie movies, it'southward all nigh the dialogue and characters. And since these kinds of first dates are low investment, you'll accept more opportunities to practice.
Helps you focus on fun When your goal is to impress her and endeavor to win her over, you're putting likewise much emphasis on the issue. "If I testify her I will spend money on her, she will like me fifty-fifty more than." This is a error. Women aren't robots y'all put "Impressive!" tokens into and exit a girlfriend or sex. Reframe and showtime focusing on making a appointment fun for Y'all. When I focus on having fun, people around me usually have fun besides.
You lot'll have women flake less These new dates are so low investment, she's not going to experience overwhelmed. Instead of "I don't want to be stuck with this guy for an entire movie/show/dinner." She's going to think "Oh, it'southward just a couple of drinks during happy 60 minutes." or "It'due south just java."
You will proceed more satisfying dates And it all has to do with what dating is similar for women.

Yep, DATING FOR WOMEN IS Dissimilar (AND HERE'S WHY KNOWING IS GOING TO GIVE You AN Advantage)

Men, here'south the reality: Dating is dissimilar for women than information technology is for u.s.a..

You know how dating sucks a lot of the time for you?

Well for women, it sucks besides, but like, Supersized, with a side order of Nuggets, and 2 Apple tree pies.

Before you scream "Guys have it hard as well!", Remember, I'm on your side. I'm trying to arrive suck less for all genders, so hear me out.

You're probably reading The Essential Man because I seem to know the exact struggles and problems you accept when it comes to your style.

I tin can suspension complicated manner ideas down into something you can follow. And it's a reason why a lot of you love my posts and emails.

How do I exercise it?

Well, I spend a lot of fourth dimension talking to you guys, asking you what your style challenges are, through emails, surveys, jumping on video calls, even taking a few of you out for coffee.

I want to know what'due south working. What frustrates you. Why y'all even desire to dress better in the showtime place.

With that knowledge, I can better sympathise how to write advice that resonates with you and connects.

In short, I have a little empathy to see where y'all're coming from.

The reason young Peter was terrible at dates was precisely this reason: I had a astringent lack of empathy.

The first dates were really all about me. Dating was nearly what I could exit of it.

"How can I impress her."
"How can I become a second appointment. "
"How practice I get her to kiss me? "
"How can I make her my girlfriend? "

This is probably your problem too on some level.

Whether it's getting women who bit, coming off as creepy, or not getting dates at all, empathy is going to help your dating game more than any selection-up line or style hack I tin show you.

MY FAVORITE Way TO UNDERSTAND WHAT DATING'S Similar FOR WOMEN

A while back I tested out a dating program with my friend Caleigh, a dating profile makeover specialists.

One of the first exercises for our guys involve showing them first hand what it'southward similar to exist a woman on a dating app.

Here'due south what nosotros had them practice, and here'south what I want you to do this week:Go to a few women in your life, friends, coworkers, sisters, people who are effectually your historic period and utilize dating apps.

Ask them to see their inbox.

I bet it looks MUCH different than yours.

Here'southward my gauge at what y'all'll observe:

She probably has 10x more messages than you do
75% of those letters (or more) have something to practice with her looks
75% of the messages about her looks also includes something vulgar
She more than annoyed with the app than you are

Can't find anyone that will share their dating app inbox with you?

I requite you lot permission to suspension the TOS on this i and create a temporary false account as a adult female. Upload a random moving-picture show of an average looking woman, say, a 7 out of 10 (so y'all can't say "Information technology's only cause she's hot!") And fill up out some full general details in the contour.

And at present, prepare yourself for the onslaught of creepers.

Look, we had the guys exercise this practise for a reason. It'south the aforementioned reason I want you to stop where you're reading, bookmark this page, and practise the exercise correct now.

We desire to assistance you understand the shit women get through on a daily basis (See Master of None Season 1 Episode seven) so you lot tin can avert being THAT dude.

So you can have better dates! Improve relationships! Improve sex!

So you lot tin can just be Ameliorate all around.

So what does this mean for you? It means one of your goals when planning a date, especially a first date, is to brand her experience at ease. To feel comfortable. To feel rubber. Dating for women, overall, can feel hostile and unpredictable in comparison to what usa guys experience. So with that in mind, you lot demand to approach a commencement date the aforementioned way I do with my style advice: with empathy.

Ready to learn how?

Let'southward put all this together.

Beefcake OF A Meliorate Start Engagement

#ane Information technology should be coincidental

Splurging on Hamilton tickets for a first date? Baller, but way too much for someone who is basically an attractive stranger. Elaborate or expensive dates tend to only impress ane type of girl, gilt diggers. For whatsoever sane, cool, quality woman, it'll come off like yous're overcompensating for something. So keep information technology coincidental. That ways no helicopter rides on a kickoff date. (Yes, this happened to a friend of mine!)

#ii Keep information technology short (just flexible)

Avert anything that requires a lot of time and commitment – similar a dinner or long show. The worst affair that tin happen is yous realize after ordering your mains that y'all don't like each other, and at present y'all're stuck waiting for your food.

Coffee and walk. A couple of happy hour drinks after work, perfect.

One of my favorite "tricks" is to tell her yous have some plans, like dinner with friends but would love to do something with her a couple hours before. And if the date is going well, you can tell her they canceled and keep information technology going. (Yeah, it's a bit of a sneaky white lie, just there'southward a expert reason! More on this later)

The most of import thing single women are looking for on a first date isn't a surprise bouquet of flowers, only a feeling: comfort. Of the women surveyed, 79 pct said they virtually care about feeling comfy on a first date, even above feeling happy (35 per centum) and liked (27 percentage)." (source: Hurry)

#3 Brand certain yous can have a chat

No movies. No loud concerts. Hell, no loud confined. You desire to be able to have a chat and go to know each other. If you have to lean into her and shout into her ear, it'southward too loud.

#four Continue it before in the day

Women take bad experiences on dates that are later in the night, and it'due south ordinarily due to guys trying to be slick and setting a "mood" to hookup.

By planning an earlier date, you're telling her "I'm non simply trying to slumber with yous."

Look, I have nix against first date hookups. The point of this, notwithstanding, is to arts and crafts optimal, low stakes offset engagement to run into if you even similar her and if yous both are actually compatible. Subsequently there's real mutual allure, you two tin be adults and figure out where to get from there.

iii EASY FIRST Date IDEAS THAT Have BEEN SUCCESSFUL FOR MY CLIENTS

Let me give you a few of my favorite, successful first appointment ideas I've recommended for actual clients:

The Drinker Friendly Date: Happy Hour After Work

The Date
A couple of after work drinks during happy hour at a bar that's convenient for both of you.

What to tell her
"I have dinner plans Friday at 7:00 with a few friends, but I'd dear to have you on a date. Would you like to grab a couple of happy hour drinks afterward work at The Nomad, say effectually 5:thirty?"

Why this is awesome for you
A classic, washed right. If you prefer to drink on dates similar I exercise, this helps you relax a fleck. Information technology gives you a couple hours to become a feel for her and to see if you two have a connectedness. If you don't, no worries, you have an out!

Why this is awesome for her
Allow'due south break down what yous said according to her:

"I take dinner plans Friday at 7:00 with a few friends, but I'd love to take you on a engagement."

He used the give-and-take date, not grab some drinks, not hang, so in that location'south no confusion every bit to what this is. It'due south a date! Which means he'due south interested on some level.

"Would you like to take hold of a couple of happy hour drinks after work at The Nomad, say around v:30?"

He has plans at seven:00, which means if the date sucks I don't have to endeavor and awkwardly notice a way to leave. It likewise says he's not trying only trying to sleep with me, which a lot of guys tend to do when they plan a date for late at night.

He as well gave me a specific place, solar day, and time, which means he'southward a grown man that is responsible and can make a real plan. That's sexy.

No Booze Required Date: Coffee and a Walk

The Date
Catch a coffee and have a walk somewhere nice with people around, similar a farmers marketplace.

What to tell her
"I have some errands to run Sat around four, only I'd dearest to take you out on a engagement. Since you don't beverage, I thought it would be fun to take hold of some coffee at Blue Canteen and take a walk through the farmers market. At that place's this stall that has some amazing apple cider donuts you'd dear. Are you lot gratuitous around 2pm?"

Why this is awesome for you
Whether yous're young, not much of a drinker, or sober, a coffee appointment is one of the best offset engagement options you can offering. Information technology's a really low investment date not only time-wise but financially as well. A stroll somewhere, like a park loop or farmers markets, should give you plenty time to find a connection. Don't forget to finish on occasion to take in a sight or try something interesting from a local vendor.

Why this is crawly for her
Let's intermission downward what yous said

"I have some errands to run Saturday around iv, but I'd honey to take you lot out on a date."

Again, using the word date makes this articulate every bit to what it is. This is especially important for dates on the more casual side, similar java, which can often exist confused for but "hanging out." Past saying the word engagement, you are setting the expectation that in that location is a romantic context.

"Since y'all don't beverage, I thought it would be fun to take hold of some coffee at Blue Bottle and have a walk through the farmers market. There's this stall that has some amazing apple tree cider donuts you lot'd love. Are you free effectually 2pm?"

Get-go, you lot showed that you paid attention to the fact that she doesn't drink, and that you accept some empathy past planning a date that doesn't involve drinking.

You're clear with a location, time and activity, which she'll appreciate because many guys make the fault of being vague. Bonus points for showing her why the date is a expert idea, similar mentioning fantastic apple cider donuts.

The nigh important matter on a date for a woman isn't where you take her or how much y'all spend, but beingness comfortable. By setting a fourth dimension frame ("Date starts at 2pm, I have errands around 4pm.") You're signaling to her you lot don't want to only claw up and she knows she's non gonna be stuck with yous in a night bar at 11pm if y'all end upwards being a creep.

Bonus: My favorite date: Covert twenty-four hours drinking and a walk

The Date
Combine the two for a fun twist. Covert 24-hour interval drinking and a walk! Grab a java beverage at Starbucks, spike both of your drinks with a bit of bourbon, and have a walk somewhere nice with people around, like a farmers market place.

(I recommend a vanilla latte with a flake of Bulleit Bourbon)

What to tell her
"I'd like to take you on a date, but I'1000 kind of bored of all the confined. Would you lot be interested in grabbing some Starbucks cups with me, filling them with some adult beverages, and taking a walk through the farmers market place? Say Saturday at ii?"

Why this is crawly for y'all
I dear this date because it's a break from the usual coffee or bar date. It's a combination of both, with a flake of spin. There's nothing funner than getting a bit buzzed in the daytime, especially secretly and on a date.

Why this is awesome for her
Let's break downward what you said in her eyes:

"I'd like to have y'all on a date, but I'm kind of bored of all the bars. Would you be interested in grabbing some Starbucks cups with me, filling them with some developed beverages, and taking a walk through the farmers market? Say Saturday at two?"

He wants to accept me out on a date. He's tired of bars? So am I!

Day drinking! Secretly out of Starbucks cups? Fuck yes! That sounds so fun!

WHAT TO Exercise AT THE End OF THE Date?

Virtually that fiddling white prevarication…

Alright, so you might discover that many of these prepositions start with you proverb you have plans, just would like to meet upward before for a appointment.

Technically you're fibbing a bit, merely for a good reason. You're giving both of you a fashion out if the date sucks, and yous're putting her at ease past letting her know she'south non going to be stuck with you all mean solar day if you two aren't clicking.

I wouldn't call this manipulative, but somewhat beneficial to both of you. If you feel bad about "lying," then I suggest you make some actual loose plans with your friends for after the appointment, but let them know you might bail if the date goes well.

If the date sucks for whatsoever reason (You're not into her, she's clearly non into you, she says something super racist and not in a joking way…)

Like shooting fish in a barrel, you take an out. You already permit her know you had plans for after the date, so there's no need to endeavour to recall of an excuse.

If you want to bail early, pretend to cheque your phone and read a text from your friend, informing you lot they're going to dinner early. Apologize for the short date, pay for your drinks, and exit.

If the appointment is conspicuously going well (Awesome!)

You have two options.

First, you can stick with the story, call the date a success, ask her out on date #2 while the iron is hot, and leave. Easy.

The second option, and my favorite, is to go on the date going. Hither'due south what you lot tin say:

"Hey, I'm having a lot of fun with you, and I'd rather keep this date going. Would you like to head to this spot nearby for a bite? They have some amazing tapas."

This is a slap-up choice to turn a brusk test date into a real proper date with a lot of chances to take fun. It helps to have a few places in mind beforehand nearby.

Sometimes your date will feel bad almost making you cancel with your friends, but if you say something along the lines of "I ever see my friends, and I'm actually going to have dinner with them again Monday. " Information technology'll exist fine.

(Note: If she insists you lot not cancel on your friends, accept it equally a sign she doesn't want to keep the date going, and that it's not going besides as you recollect.)

SPEED ROUND! Commencement Date Q&Every bit

What practice I wear?

Read my post "I asked 101 Women What a Man Should Wearable on a First Date"

How many drinks should I have?

Limit it to 2. You want plenty to relax and accept a practiced time. This isn't a frat firm rager. This is my personal dominion, but it likewise happens to exist what women adopt.

Who pays the bill?

Offering to pay, if she insists on splitting it, split information technology. Don't fight information technology dude, you're getting a date for 50% off.

If you go far early on

Text her and let her know yous're early on and where you'll encounter her (outside, at the bar by the large painting, a table by the window, wearing the leather jacket).

My married woman once told me nigh a guy she went on a date with when nosotros were casually dating.

He arrived early, didn't let her know that he was sitting at the bar, didn't relieve her a seat, and was already drinking. Allow'due south merely say her decision to choose me over him was a no-brainer. Don't be that guy.

If you're going to be late

Text her. Make certain you anticipate information technology. If y'all're supposed to run across at vi:00 and information technology's five:45 and you're stuck in traffic, text her. Let her know the situation and give an ETA. Even if yous make it on fourth dimension, send her a text and say "Hey, I'thou stuck in traffic right at present, I might be a chip 5-10 minutes belatedly."

Fifty-fifty if you finish upward showing up on time, information technology'due south a bonus!

DATING ISN'T Piece of cake, BUT Information technology DOESN'T HAVE TO BE Hard

To epitomize:

Use the word AppointmentI want to drill this in your head, you need to apply the discussion date so there is no confusion. Half of my clients dating problems all stem from the fact that they weren't articulate with their intentions. By telling her "I desire to take you on a appointment" (not hang out, grab a drink, chill), you are telling her "I am interested in you romantically."
Keep information technology casualLow investment for both of you. The goal isn't to find your life partner, the goal is just to meet another person, grab a few drinks, run across if you like each other, and perchance exercise it again.
Give information technology a fourth dimension limit Tell her yous accept plans later in the day, but would love to have her on a date a couple hours before. This serves a few purposes. It makes her feel comfortable and at ease – she knows she's not going to be stuck on bad date. It gives her an out. Information technology also gives y'all an out if she ends up sucking.

The one matter I want you to take away from the post is this: women are nonetheless pretty much the same equally you.

They deal with flakes, boring dates, and people who are nothing like their profiles. They're worried about not beingness liked. They're worried almost having their time wasted.

Better dates actually all beginning with you.

If you lot can pb the manner in going on more than of these micro first dates, focusing on making her feel comfortable, and emphasizing fun and chat over being extravagant and expensive, you're going to go far a little more enjoyable. Hopefully for the both of you, but at least for yourself.

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Source: https://theessentialman.com/mens-first-date-tips/